Sometimes I look around me and think, “Man, if I had to deal with someone like me, I’d kick me to the curb!” Honestly, I get how hard it is to have someone you love in your life who is always crying, always in a jam, always in need of rescuing, someone who never has money or a job or medical insurance or a savings account. I never wanted to be this person. Never. When I see people like me I judge them as harshly as I’m sure people judge me.

The thing is, I didn’t set these wheels in motion. The other day I told someone close to me – someone who was struggling to understand why I couldn’t just pull myself up by my bootstraps and push past my problems – that people who have never been chronically depressed have no idea what it’s like to fight your very self. People who aren’t addicted to food (as I’ve had to admit to myself I am) have no idea what it’s like to have your own mind sabotage you. To them it’s as simple as being strong enough and wanting it badly enough to just find a way to get it done. They acknowledge that it’s hard but, hey, they were able to do it so if you aren’t that just means that you either don’t really want to or haven’t really tried. And I’m so god damned tired of trying to explain or make them understand or open a window into my head so they can see for themselves. I’m a loser. There. I admit it.

I said this to someone the other day and they were so alarmed. This was clearly, in their opinion, not a good thing to say. So I think I’m gonna be lonely for a long time. Because I’ve just stopped trying to explain to others and have instead simply begun to distance myself from them.

(I have been crying uncontrollably this afternoon so I’m writing this because I think it helps. I don’t understand why but it seems that when I marshal my thoughts and just lay down in writing what I’m feeling right now it somehow makes this whirlwind in my head stop for a while. I think it also helps that I know no one will read this so I don’t have to worry about how it all sounds or if it makes sense. It’s just for me.)