The recent breakup I endured had left me no choice but to describe myself as traumatized. I do not like admitting that what I went trough was a trauma because it scares me tremendously. But I can no longer deny that it has left me beyond my ability to cope with daily life. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I cry uncontrollably 5 to 10 times a day. Weeping, sobbing, wailing. Anyway you look at it I am destroyed. 

And it scares me because I’ve never felt this way before. This feeling of worthlessness of misery of sadness to deep I can barely cope. My sister has watched me deteriorate and is helpless to assist in any way. Hell, even I don’t know how to fix this.

So, I have embarked on a hard target search to better understand why my brain works the way it does, why I make the choices I do and more importantly why I feel things so strongly. I have taken three personality assessments (The Big Five Personality Test, The Highly Sensitive Person Test, The Attachment Style Test) to figure out how to improve my life. And to my great shock I have uncovered the what I would call the blueprint for the course my life has taken. It’s not anything that really came as a surprise to me but to see it all laid on in writing like that… I’m not gonna lie, it’s hard to take it all in because the implications are overwhelming.

I’ve laid out everything over several documents and have begun researching the results of these personality assessments as well as the theory of Learned Helplessness with the goal of altering the traits I possess that have taken my life down its current path. While none of what I’ve learned comes as a surprise, piecing it all together has allowed me to clearly see the patterns that are so necessary to understand in order to create real, sustainable change. The discovery of just how badly I’ve allowed my physical, mental and emotional life to deteriorate (consciously as well as subconsciously) has left me speechless.

I have set, and continue to meet, daily goals to read the books I’ve bought, watch instructional and informative videos, and write in this blog. The information I continue to learn as I do this has led to very painful insights.

In addition, based on everything I’ve learned (and continue to learn) I have begun the arduous task of daily mental and emotional corrections, which are needed steps to keep my depression from returning. These are, at the moment, proving to be very painful and very difficult given the depths of misery, sadness and worthlessness that my partner’s elimination of me from his life has created.

There are 2 goals I am currently focused on. The first is the hourly realigning of my thoughts as I attempt to drag my mind back to the present every time my emotions, memories or ruminations veer in the direction of my relationship with Him. The magnitude of this task is proving to be beyond me at the moment, as I have very little control and fail 50 to 100 times a day.

The second is to control the sadness and despair that overwhelms me and which both drags me down into misery and depression and causes me to cry uncontrollably. These are two things I am experiencing that are drastically and negatively impacting my waking hours and causing me to only get 4 to 6 hours of sleep a night, even 5 weeks after the event.

I have never been this motivated in my entire life and I’m upset to have to admit that the biggest reason for this motivation is the distraction it gives me from my emotions, which are very negative and severe right now. When I concentrate on this search to find my way back, my mind does not have to remember how little I meant to this man.